By nature I am a caring, loving person. Once I overcame my anger, I found myself feeling sorry for her, but then I remember how poorly she treated me and ended our relationship and I become angry again, renewing the cycle.
Even with no contact this is a tough cycle to break. What I fell in love with wasn't a person, but the image that was created in the beginning, when she called me "adorable" when I brought her flowers, cooked for me when I moved in, snuggled hard against me when we layed in bed, gave me more attention than I ever imagined possible in such a short period of time. When her true, twisted self began to emerge is when I began lying to myself, clinging to the admirable image for the future that I had constructed.
Like the time we were at the beach. She and her sister walked away down the shoreline to search for sand dollars. I walked up and told her that I was going back to stay with my friend and keep him company.
She looked at me with this crazy stare, not saying a word. Looking back, it was probably, "How dare you not follow me around like the obedient dog I am training you to be! Your experience resonates with me so much. I have recently split with my partner she left after painting me black.
The initial infatuation was so much, looking back now it was too good to be true. Slowly but surely, her true colours were revealed. Constant knit picking, twisted distortions of the truth and the most absurd accusations leveled against me. I ended up seriously ill in hospital through stress. All at 23! It is in truth, the most extreme form of selfishness imaginable for them not to have any comprehension of the impact they have on people's lives.
Especially those that love them. Thank you so much for this I never knew what hit me Anonymous , I understand absolutely now the 'feeling sorry' card gets played out. I broke up , finally with my ex BF BPD exBF a month ago , because of many many issues , cheating , lying, manipulation etc and initially felt relief , then anger and now compassion , ugh I know , the more I learn about his condition the more I feel sorry for him.
It's a sad , tragic disorder they have and what it does to us Nons. But , I don't him back. I understand the co dependant issue from myself also and Im working on that and yes , like you I fell in love with the illusion not the person , I know that now. It feels like an awakening for me , learning about the disorder has made me put the crazy jigsaw together. I sent a straight forward , I care but im stepping aside email and his response was odd, dis regarding my actions and saying how much he loved me and hadnt ruled out a potential relationship still?
At this point I truly realize how distorted their mindset is. I haven't responded and I recieve a phone cll at 3am two days ago. Im not returning it either. I read that eventually they will just give up and realize i'm done with all this. I guess time will tell. Good luck to everyone coping with the aftermath of a BPD break up. The non is interchangeable. You can easily be replaced. Like a set of tires. My ex bpd girlfriedn was married six months and she called me on my birthday.
Her husband was out at sea, he was in the navy. Here is what she said in a very demonic raspy voice "Husbannnnds, husbannnnnnds, Husbannnnds DIE, you are a husband, therefore you must die tonight! But I just did not interact. I just put the phone down and I let her rage. She raged for 45 mins. I guess she was hurting because her husband was away, so she made me her husband at that moment and raged at me.
Us nons, are all the same person, interchangeable. By letting her rage, I did not get drained, and she did not get narcissistic supply from me. She had to hang up the phone on her own. If I would have hung up she would have called back. Yes the pain will always be there. It is a growth experience, use the lessions wisely. Help others who find themselves in bpd hell.
If anything we hurt more than you non-bpd's, just coz we don't show it. So how do we nons prove our worth?
When a bpd cheats it destroys us. We do everything we can to make things better and we get nothing but silence. God forbid that you BPD'S should feel pained. I have just been told by a friend of mine that my ex BPD's girlfriend is my double!!!! She said you would truly think she was me.
Her figure,her height,her hair. Only when you are up close you realise it is not me. To top it off her name is Hazel.!!!!! This is so un-nerving. He has been with her for nearly a year and moved in with her with-in weeks of meeting her. During this time he has sent me txts. Blank ones. Can you let me know your thoughts on this please. That's to all of you in our community.
Thankyou, Hazel. Welcome to the the land of Oz ; My first thoughts on this: just fricking coincidence that he had run into your double. But its scary indeed. Probably its a lot more easier for him to move in with her. Its more safe for him to take a mirror that is not so different as the one that he had just broke apart, so he sees the same reflection. He spared himselfs some visualization energy. Understand that they don't look at themselves to feel the world.. My BPD-ex was a Machiavallistic manipulator.
I still remember the day that she explained to me how to play the game "Machiavelli". She loved it, until I knew how to beat her. I should have known by then. Don't forget to love your enemy the most, it will finally set you free. I don't think he went on a hunt to find a me look-a-like but never the less i find it weird that he can have a relationship with her right after me. A year and nine months after the relationship ended i still cannot date. If i ever do it would freak me out if he looked so much like my ex-BPD!
I would run for the hills. It would be living a nightmare every day. So strange,infact too strange for me to get my head around. Thanks for your comment. Sounds like what I am going through. I just broke up with a girl that I know has BPD, and at first I felt relief, but slowly I began to piece together the relationship and have answered most of the questions she would never answer for me.
Lying, cheating, manipulating, bringing the worst out in me, selfish, cold, and all I ever wanted was to love her and have a life together. She has since shut me out with no contact and despite the way she treated me I miss her like crazy. She really hurt me. However we make mistakes while learning and they never forgive us for those mistakes - its a no win!
I am exactly the same. Mine has painted me as Black as possible and snarls at me if we meet when my only crime was to eventually call her on her BPD and tell her the last tine she left she could not come back unless she went for help. Despite everything I miss her. However once they know you know they are off to an easier target - its a no win!
The Borderline loves you like a child loves a new toy - once the initial novelty wears off you will be discarded with the trash. The Borderline is skillful with the manipulation of words and emotions. BPD words are empty, hollow and worthless. The words of a BPD will rarely match their actions. There is only one sure way a relationship with a BPD can end - emotional, spiritual, financial and personal annihilation for the non.
They will suck the lifeforce out of you leaving you to feel as though your soul has been raped. This is how they grow - they have no personality other then a broken mossaic personlity made up of peices of other nons personalities that they have stolen along the way, just like yours. They are humans but they are not 'people' - the lack all the basic prerequisite emotions that constitute a 'person'. Don't beleive the hype, don't beleive their sob stories, excuses, promises etc You have all been there before and you know it goes nowhere.
The BDP is incappable of mature adult love - that's all you need to know. Let go, let them fall into the abyis of lonliness without taking you down with them. Save youself, your sanity and your soul. Find yourself again, not the one that has been corrupted by proximity to the BPD, the self pre-borderline. Once you find yourself again you will find love again. The BDP is beyond hope - hopeless. Remember, this is their problem, not yours.
Save yourself, heal, recover and enjoy happiness once more. Divorce rates are through the roof, and the reasons are as varied as the colors of a spectrum.
Mine is simple - in a complicated way. After 8 years of marriage, the last 2 being full of separations, it's finally coming to an end. Before the separation life was absolutely miserable. No one knew when, what or where a manic episode would begin. Nothing seemed to be trigger indicators. And going through the period when my husband was in complete denial of the problem was some of the hardest times I've ever lived through.
After all, this man in the early years was the absolute love of my life. I was saying "You complete me" before the movie even hit the theaters.
But after a time everything changed. The man I married was lost somewhere and no one could find him. My dilemma was complex in reaching the decision to agree to his request for a divorce. After all, I wouldn't divorce a man who became a diabetic, or acquired cancer, so how can I rationalize divorcing a man with a mental illness? Many long nights have been spent on this over the past few years, with my decision to agree to his request finally being reached in the past month.
I give up. I'm tired of fighting with the situation. Of the middle of the night phone calls from a babbling person. Of not knowing whether his sudden outbursts would be something to fear or just a calm and friendly. And of trying to help him - Lord knows I have tried to help What's the moral thing to do? The ethical way to proceed? The Christian way to go? These are but a few questions that have been consuming that committee in my head for a very long time.
I know my Church frowns upon divorce, but they do accept it most of the time. Since reaching my decision not only do I have to go through the legal finalization but also the "annulment" via the Church which takes a couple of years sometimes.
It will be like digging up the dead all over again once that part comes around. Once my decision was made, the emotions that accompanied it were phenomenal.
Maybe I missed that day in psych class during college, but I cannot understand how a person can feel happy, relieved and confident while simultaneously feeling sad, depressed and lost. Go figure. However those emotions coincide, they did and still do on occasion. Borderline Personality Disorder people can live "normal" lives. Don't get me started on what "normal" is - I don't think there is such a critter any more They can be responsible, productive, independent beings. This one can't.
Or he won't. That's part of the difficulty as well - who really knows if the person really is unreachable or if he is simply playing the part for their own benefit? My husband would tell me that he did or said something in order to get sympathy, so is that the reason he cannot obtain that level of independent functionality? Only he and his God knows. I guess I could claim rational comfort in saying that he asked for the divorce, rather than my wanting it.
I didn't for the longest time because I just knew that wonderful man was still in there somewhere. I could see it in his eyes from time to time you know what I mean. As the Borderline Personality Disorder years have gone by, that great man has sunk deeper and deeper in to the depths of the now ever-present Borderline Personality Disorder being. Now, I'm all for it. Even with the most horrible marriages, divorce is a form of death.
People have to go through the grieving stages darn it! I can feel them in my core when something triggers memories of that person. Living with borderline personality disorder makes me feel like my heart never fully heals — that my pain remains no matter how much time has gone by.
Surviving heartbreak is one of the hardest things that I have experienced, but I have found that it is possible. While I still feel the pain from my past heartbreaks and brace myself through the pain as new ones appear, I have learned techniques that have helped me handle the pain.
Remember this emotion is temporary. But one of the good things with my BPD is that, most times, the emotion passes quickly, only to be replaced by another, and understanding that temporary state has helped me to accept my emotions with more ease.
Just keep reminding yourself that what you are feeling will pass, despite how strongly you may feel, and that truth alone can help.
Ride the emotions like a wave. I have a lot of regret for how I have acted before I was diagnosed, especially during previous heartbreaks.
It helps me to know that I have grown and that I can experience my own emotions without inflicting pain on others, or compromising my self-worth with feelings of regret and a loss of dignity. This one has been the hardest for me to learn, accept and wrap my mind around. I am still working on learning and living this truth. They are just processing the breakup or heartbreak in their own way, and that is okay.
Take a step back before reacting. We all have. That reminds of a quote, it's Ok feel anger TsunamiWave, it's a part of the grieving process and it'to s good validate that anger, that's what this forum is here for, we're here to listen to each other, just be mindful that you don't let anger overwhelm you.
Quote from: Dusi on April 27, , PM. I read this on the other post: "Who really is the Borderline? Someone who needed you for awhile because they were scared to be alone. Healthy individuals don't run around telling their partner that they love them, want to be with them forever, have intimate relationships, etc.
Love doesn't necessarily mean "I want to be with you forever. I know that is hard to fathom for you as it is to me as well. I was fortunate that I got to hear about my ex telling the new partner the exact same things she told me He has since been discarded and two others have taken his place.
I know this hurts. I've been there still have bad days. But do me a favor, cut off any contact. Lose the notion that she meant anything she said to you, good or bad. She will likely never attach to another person on a deep level. Pretend like you just watched the movie The Sixth Sense.
You just found out that your ex was a different person all along Quote from: happendtome on April 28, , AM. Quote from: Replacement99 on April 28, , AM. Let it go! I know, you have been told this several times and you don't want to hear it but that is all you need to do right now.
Please realise, you have been fortunate enough to experience this earlier on in your life and for few months a large part of which was online!
Count yourself lucky, cut your losses and move on. Try and read the experiences of people here who have lost years rather decades to a person with BPD and you will realise how life changing it has been for all of them. For most, the PwBPD was either the love of their life or their spouse. To be very honest, I strongly feel, all of us who have been at the receiving end of this unhealthy equation, were more or less certain it wasn't going to work out in the long run and yet we held onto it for a long period of time.
What was it that kept us hoping against hope? Perhaps, our own issues that we never wanted to confront in the first place. Also, please realise it is ok to feel hurt and "revengeful", but it is not ok to let her still govern your emotional, mental and physical well being. Indifference is the key here. Stop indulging in a slug fest with her or her friends, it is absolutely pointless and am sure you know you can do better than that.
Ignore her and shift your pain, that is the bottomline. I am not by any means trying to undermine your relationship or your pain, but I am trying to point out certain facts. Hope I am of some help. Quote from: artfuldodger on April 28, , AM. I wish I had answers, mine moved on too and can still deliver mail on my street, walk by my house no care.
It might just be too big to manage on your own, which is why seeking help is important. The best ways to deal with BPD are:. Along with the help of professionals, talking to trusted friends and family members can help you come up with positive ways of thinking about and dealing with BPD. It's not always easy to find the right place to start. Our 'What's on your mind?
This can help if: you have much more intense emotional reactions than the people around you your moods change all the time you feel lost or abandoned you often behave in a risky way. What is borderline personality disorder? Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder People with BPD may experience just a few or all of these common signs and symptoms: Extreme or unstable emotions.
What causes borderline personality disorder? However, most professionals think that BPD is caused by a combination of things, such as: genes past abuse or trauma a dysfunctional family life negative or difficult interactions with others during childhood.
0コメント